Joyful, Joyful

I am not a fan of apartment life. Living where we do is the result of necessity only. There are days I long for the freedom of my own space, colors of my own choosing, some flowers around my doorstep, and no clue what my neighbors are watching on television or whether they’re even awake. But we chose this life on purpose because we believed God was blessing our desires to return to school, even though it meant giving up some comforts. And truly, He has blessed us. Even in this outdated little apartment. He has blessed us with a convenient location, safety, good (though occasionally noisy) neighbors and more.

Today I was reminded of another blessing of apartment life: maintenance!  Last night’s dinner was supposed to include carrots, but I was stressing about the test, disorganized and in a hurry, so rather than roasting them I threw them in the microwave in a little water for a quick steam. Except when I pulled them out I realized they were still ice cold. Actually, thanks to the enthusiasm of our refrigerator, a few were actually frozen. This morning’s attempts at breakfast revealed that the microwave was not simply on hiatus but had actually resigned its position as Heater of Things. But one of the very real perks of apartment life is asking someone else to deal with it. I came home from school to find a new microwave sitting on my counter. Its approach to heating my cup of coffee was, “someone order a volcano?”

Recently I have felt God challenging me to find my joy in Him. He’s been teaching me that joy begins with thanksgiving. Did you know that it is impossible to stay stressed out if you are actively giving thanks? And that when you totally give yourself to the act of thanking Him for His goodness poured out all around us, His joy will totally invade your moment? It’s amazing! In related news, did you know what an easily stressed out person I am? Because, wow. I mean, this wasn’t a totally new discovery or anything, but nursing school makes any tendency toward angst, worry or general twitchiness REALLY tough to ignore. Probably God had a purpose in that.

What better time to learn to live joyfully, really live fully in joy, than now when there’s all this opportunity to practice? When I stopped to think about it, I was so humbled at the tender way He has provided for Ryan and me by placing us in this apartment at this time. I have a major exam tomorrow. Ryan is busy too. The microwave is one convenience that helps to simplify things for us and neither of us had the time (much less the money!) to replace it. But one quick phone call and someone else was here to deal with it. For free. Here in this tiny, outdated, sometimes noisy apartment, God made sure our needs were met. Makes me think He planned it that way.

“Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” – I Thessalonians 5:16

Feast

Here I am between semesters again.  Can you believe how fast this season of learning has been flying by?  I am amazed to find myself already preparing for the last leg of this nursing journey and to be already looking ahead to starting my training as a midwife.  How did that happen so fast?  I just started!

This final semester in the nursing program will be much different from the first three.  It will be split into two 8-week sections, the first of which will include two days of classes and two days of clinicals in a step-down surgical unit (kind of half-way between a regular hospital floor and an ICU).  I will also have to take an exam (called the HESI) in the first few weeks that will determine if I’m ready to complete the semester.  We get three chances to pass it.  Assuming I pass, the last 8-week session will include one online class and working the regular nursing schedule of my assigned nurse preceptor.  Then comes graduation, taking the NCLEX (licensing exam) and…………

I really have no idea what happens next.  It will be time to step into thin air again and find out what He forms under my foot.

Usually leading up to these breaks between semesters I’m so tired and mentally overloaded that I can’t stand the thought of doing anything serious.  I just want to relax, physically and mentally.  The physical part usually involves some beach time, family time, friend time, and basically doing what I like at home with no schedule in sight.  The mental relaxation usually means diving headlong into what I call “brain candy”: a book (or three) that is pure fun and nonsense, with no educational value whatsoever. The thought of reading something solely for enjoyment without needing to recall it for a test or store it away for future reference is bliss.  So that last week of school generally finds me sneaking a few minutes of browsing the local library’s online catalog to decide just which piece of brain candy I’ll pull off the shelf first.  The strange thing about this break is that I couldn’t find anything that really looked appetizing.

I was craving something more sustaining than candy.  This break has definitely included plenty of physical relaxation with friends and family, but it has also been full of continued mental and spiritual work so I think I have needed nourishment far more than relaxation.  A friend of mine recently summed it up perfectly when she said “you’ve been hungry for the red letters.”  She’s right!  I have been craving time in the Word, but specifically the words of Jesus.  All scripture is Bread, but right now the red-flavored part is what I can’t get enough of.  But the One who called Himself the Bread of Life is extravagant with us, so He gave me side dishes to compliment His main course.  Books given by friends have sat unread through the last semester, outranked by nursing texts, but have been the perfect companions for the red letters during this break.

These two weeks have been full of researching universities, comparing programs, filling out applications, writing essays and straining to glimpse just one second of the future so I can strategize how best to get there.  It’s been sleeplessness and headaches and stomach churning and chest tightness.  Into the midst of that come the red letters: “Trust me.  Rest in me.  Follow me.  Eat of me.  Drink of me.”  He won’t tell me where we’re going or how we’ll get there.  He just keeps promising to sustain me while we travel.

One of the side dish books I’m enjoying calls anxiety a form of atheism:  disbelief in a God who is trustworthy, who is loving, whose plans are truly for good and not for evil.  Anxiety is the belief that such a god is imaginary.  How convicting to recognize that all my stomach-twisting, headaching doubt was really an accusation to God: “You aren’t who You say You are!  You’re not real!”

I can’t really believe that. I don’t really believe that. We’ve been through too much together and gathered a lifetime of evidence of His faithfulness to refuse His grace in a fit of atheistic anxiety.  So I run back to the red letters and gobble them up like a starving person.  I stop peering into the mist of my future and look instead at what He’s put in my hands: applications to fill out, a study book for the HESI exam coming soon, a new calendar for the next sixteen weeks, and a feast of red letters.  Better than brain candy any day.

How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth! ~ Psalm 119:103

Then Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty.” ~ John 6:35

I can’t do this.

That is the realization I have slowly been coming to for the last several weeks. Inside my head is this constantly spinning storm of tasks to be accomplished, both immediate and long-term, and for each one I accomplish three more replace it. Even those that are completed often aren’t done in as well or thoroughly as I prefer. It’s frustrating to think that I could surely absorb each subject completely if only it were possible to tackle them one at a time instead of all at once. It’s also tough to let go of my expectation of easily accomplishing other non-school tasks or goals because everything (laundry, groceries, phone calls to friends, relationships) must be organized around studying – around trying to fit 75 hours of studying into the roughly 50 that exist in a week outside of classes and 6 hours of sleep (or at least being in bed).

The growing anxiety only gets worse when I look ahead to a fast-approaching graduation date and all the decisions that come with it. To a lot of people that day may seem like a long way ahead, but the fact that I am already six months into a sixteen month program assures me that the remaining ten will be gone very soon.  At that time, supposedly, I’ll be “ready” to be someone’s care provider. Right now I feel like I wouldn’t know enough or be practiced enough to be truly ready if I had two more years instead of two semesters.

“I can’t do this!”

Today a classmate was telling me the story of how she had been invited to support one of her close friends in the birth of her baby. It was the mother’s first baby and my friend’s first time seeing a child born.  As the mother struggled to push she found herself overwhelmed by the sensations, unsure of how to proceed and confused by the swirl of voices all giving her different instructions. She kept repeating those words, “I can’t.” My classmate didn’t know how to help her friend, so she did the best possible thing: she prayed. That was when God opened her eyes to what was happening in that moment and her mouth with the right response: “that’s right, you can’t!”

Everyone else in the room stopped talking and just looked at her. She leaned in close to her friend and said, “You can’t do this on your own. You need to rely on God’s strength right now. Let Him be your strength. He is the one who is going to help you do this.” Two contractions later a new baby was born.

Caught up in my own anxiety and frustration, I almost missed what God was trying to teach me through my classmate just then. It wasn’t until twenty minutes later as I found myself with my head in my hands telling Him all the reasons why I’ll never be smart enough, never be skilled enough and just “can’t do this” that I finally heard Him say, “No, you can’t. Not by yourself. You need to let Me be your strength. I’m the one who is going to help you do this.”

That’s when the snatches of scripture began swirling through my head, drowning out everything else. I love it when that happens, when He lets loose a torrent of verses that leave me as breathless as a plunge underwater.

The LORD our God IN THE MIDST OF YOU is mighty …. (Zeph. 3:17)

God chose the foolish…to shame the wise…the weak…to shame the strong…so that no one may boast before Him. (1 Cor. 1:27-28)

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. (2 Cor. 12:20)

Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. (1 Peter 5:7)

The joy of the LORD is your strength. (Neh. 8:10)

My new prayer is that He would help me to stop relying on my own nonexistent ability and to let His joy be my strength.

Coming Up For Air

Four and a half months ago I sat not too far from this spot (a quiet, off-to-the-side lobby with comfy chairs that has become my favorite study spot) and wondered if I was out of my mind for thinking I could go back to school and dive into such a demanding program as nursing.  Having no idea what to expect, I was equal parts nervous and intrigued.  I felt like I was diving off a cliff with no idea what waited below or what I look like as a student at the end of that term.

Then I hit water….and had to swim.  I found that the water really was deep and we really did have to work hard to keep our heads up.  But I found that our faculty members wouldn’t throw us in the deep end without floaties.  And we never swam alone; our preceptors were cheering us on while showing us how to navigate our new environment.  The weeks sped by in a head-spinning blur, but the speed made it impossible to pay attention to doubts.  All concentration had to go toward the task at hand.  And that was good.  Even better was turning around at the end of 16 weeks and thinking “I can’t believe I just did that!”

One of the greatest blessings I received last semester was unexpected friendships with my classmates.  In fact, our Father even orchestrated a small Bible study group among a handful of us and has been steadily deepening that friendship over the last several months.  Considering that one of my chief anxieties about coming to this university involved getting lost in a competitive crowd, I am even more thankful to find that He had in mind just the opposite.

Now, here I am on the first day of a brand new semester again, remembering what it felt like last time and wondering what adventures and challenges this time will hold. I’m less fearful because the memory of how God helped me through each step of last semester is still so fresh.  I’m also surprised to see how what I learned in the last few months is already changing my perception of people and events around me.  I’ve barely scratched the surface of nursing (and only gotten a peak at midwifery!) but it’s fun and gratifying to start to recognize connections between what I’m reading and what I’m seeing in the person in front of me, especially when a care provider comes behind me and confirms my own observations.  It just makes me want to learn more!

This time the balance is definitely tipped more to the side of being intrigued with all the new things there are to learn….with just a little bit of a gulp of apprehension about all that will be involved now that I DO know a bit more of what to expect in the coming semester!  It’s like watching a wave come in and knowing you need to catch it, knowing you know how to catch it, knowing you’ve caught plenty of waves before and loved the ride….but that’s still one big wave.  Part of me is saying “yee-hah!” and part of me is thinking “you know there’s the chance this could all end in a compulsory beach sand exfoliation and bonus nasal saline flush.”  (Incidentally, my spell-checker assures me there is no correct way to spell yee-hah…yeehaw…yi ha…whatever.)

So yesterday as I took the bus to my first orientation meeting I again heard those laughing words echoing in my head: Can you believe you’re really doing this?  And you’re a quarter of the way through! Isn’t it great?

Yes, it is.  And intense, and hard, and amazing.  I can’t wait to find out what life will look like from the halfway point in just four short, long, ridiculous months!  Hopefully this time I can manage to occasionally come up for air long enough to give an update or two, or at least manage a gulp of air and a yee-hah!

Mid-Fall

So last Wednesday I found myself taking a running leap off a cliff and swan-diving into nursing school orientation (one hand firmly grasped by Jesus, as He reminded me that morning).  We spent the day touring the College of Nursing, meeting our instructors and asking lots of questions of our senior mentors.  Everyone was very friendly and helpful, which helped to calm some of my jitters.  The hospital is built like a rodent science experiment and it’s under construction, so that makes things like navigation extra adventurous.  Still, I left the campus that afternoon feeling pretty good.

Thursday, as I continued my swan dive, arms outspread and toes pointed, one hand still being held by Jesus, I heard a whistling sound from above and saw something tumble past my head.  A moment later there was a sound like a meteor digging itself a new crater.  It was the proverbial Other Shoe.  Incidentally, the Other Shoe is the size of a pickup.  Who knew?

The faculty described the morning as a series of course overviews and an introduction to our clinical schedule.  I described it as “kiss your sanity goodbye.”  (Mid-fall, I turned to Jesus and yelled – because of the wind, you know – “Seriously, we’re going to be ok, right?”  He just laughed.)  Yeah.  It’s really not the large volume of reading to be done, or even the mountain of information to absorb, or the fast pace of the courses, or the constantly changing schedule.  It’s ALL of those rolled into one paired with an utter lack of clue as to when or how it will all be accomplished.  Mostly it’s the moving-target style schedule that is going to be the most difficult thing for me to adapt to, especially considering how much I like to PLAN.  Yes, I think God is taking my on-going lessons in flexibility to a new level. 

Over the weekend I bounced back and forth between excitement and panic.  This morning panic seemed to be winning as I rode the bus to my first class and prayed that God would help me just relax.  His answer was so clear and filled with such light-hearted joy it made me laugh out loud: Can you believe you’re really doing this?  Then the bus pulled up to its stop and we plunged headlong into this new adventure.  I am officially a student nurse.